What is your Best?

Notice, the phrase is often, “Give your best,” and not, “Take your best.”  Giving is our best.

But hey – that’s not really what this post is about? Or is it? Who knows!  It’s 11:11!

Me giving of my best…

is about fully telling the story, as openly as possible, so that as many people can learn from my experience as possible, and so that perhaps they will not ‘have to’ make all the ‘mistakes’ i made to learn all of the wonderful lessons.

So let’s go through the journey of awakening and coming to embrace a simple, sustainable, healthy, happy, lifestyle.  Note: it was not easy!  And there were lots of peaks and valleys along the way…many many valleys…all for the good in the long-run though 🙂

Starting from the more youthful days…

5th Grade: This was the year i was introduced to Continuum, a computer game i literally spent over 3000 hours playing up through senior year of high school, and pornography, which i probably didn’t spend quite 3000 hours watching up through senior year of high school 😉  Nevertheless, i was introduced to both of these semi-addictive mediums of entertainment on the same day!  Quite the day.  And both of these activities, a computer game called Continuum and watching pornography, shaped much of my life until i arrived at college.  Thankfully, at college, the laptop issued by the school wasn’t quite compatible with Continuum, and there wasn’t so much privacy that watching pornography all the time was such an option…so Hallelujah!  Nothing like an environmental change to shake us away from destructive habits.

–>  What did I learn from about 8 years committed to steadily playing a video game and watching pornography

Starting with the video…as you can imagine, i got really good at this game. So good that i achieved the #1 ranking by some standards.  This video game was played over the internet, and i was literally competing with and teaming up with people from all over the world, so that was pretty frakkin’ awesome.  Even just thinking about it now kind of makes me want to play!  There is a TEDTalk on video games and their benefits for us.  Among other things, one of the benefits to us, and one of the reasons why they can become addictive, is because they give us a sense of grand purpose.  For Continuum, it’s a life or death spaceship battle!  It’s way fun.  The motto for it was something like, “Meet people from all over the world…and kill them.”  Video games also can give us a sense of prestige.  For me, achieving such a high global ranking, i felt like the man!  Even though i was maybe a freshman in high school, kind of chubby and pale, i felt like a champion on this video game.  And really, because i had such high self-esteem regarding the video game, i think this mitigated my desire for achieving social success or even academic success at school.  After all, i was ranked #1 in the world!  What could i possibly achieve in school that would equal that accomplishment?  Long-run, i’m not that opposed to returning to the video game – especially logging on and posting a link to this blog is kind of fun – and it’s amazing the quality of relationships you can develop with people just online.  Really, being on the same team with people – ‘squads,’ as they are called – is a lot like playing a sport, except online it is life or death!  You strategize and harmonize and fly together and watch each other’s back.  Like almost everything…video games such as Continuum seem to be good in moderation, which i did not really practice while playing it.  Then again, if i had practiced moderation, i wouldn’t have achieved such a high degree of skill and who knows how that would have shaped life differently.  Either way – so grateful for it 🙂  And for all the wonderful people i met on it.  20-30 minutes a day would actually be pretty healing, and probably help deter other forms of destructive behavior.  A video game, in moderation, can be relatively constructive.

Pornography!  Great – let’s talk about lessons learned from watching tons of porn!  Well, initially, i think access to porn caused several problems.  For one, it probably led to be more sexual thoughts about everyone in school that i would otherwise have, and maybe i could attribute all the random middle school boners to too much porn, or maybe that’s just hormones.  I also think all the porn probably made me more shy around women and ultimately decreased self-confidence.  Porn isn’t something you watch in the open or tell everyone about…why is that?  Because it’s somewhat shameful, at least if you think it is.  And if you think it’s shameful, and you do it anyway, then you’ll feel shameful!  And shame decreases self-confidence.  So, generally, a great way to boost self-confidence is stop watching porn.  Additionally, i think porn hit my self-confidence levels lower because of the relatively huge penises every guy has in porn compared to mine.  Watching porn, i think it’s safe to say the average penis size is above the actual male average.  At the same, i wasn’t aware of this, so basically just thought i had the smallest penis ever, without realizing that many of the guys in the porn i watched probably went into it in the first place because they had big penises.  Alas, the idea that i had a small penis shattered my confidence with women for many years.  So really…you can see the many harmful effects of porn.  The one benefit, i will say, is that when i first did have sex, i think i was ‘pretty good at it.’  I say this because i remember the girl saying, “Is this really your first time?”  Haha, anyway 🙂  Significantly, one of the major keys for me to overcome the fear of having an inadequately sized penis was to educate myself.  Literally reading books about sex helped so much to boost my confidence and self-esteem regarding the matter.  One of the books that changed my life was a little pink book my brother had sitting on the floor of his room, titled something about sex.  I read it in about a day, and with that i was armed with all the knowledge i needed to be ‘skilled in the sack.’

Interestingly, nowadays i’m more towards the celibate side, partially because i’m focusing on training the mind and developing my meditation practice, as well as developing a totally awesome lifestyle, but also because i’ve found what i’d call greater, more sustainable joys.  Sex is pretty short, and comes at a bit of cost. Enjoying the Present Moment, on the other hand, is free, and all it requires is awareness 🙂

Also, after reading the Bhagavad Gita and the Celestine Prophecy,  i’m somewhat hooked on the idea that having only one child make a lot of sense, if you have any.  The purpose of sex is to create children, not have fun.  Besides, you can have fun doing anything!  No need to have sex to have fun.  And, it’s also very liberating to be free from the desire to have sex.  It makes life simpler and easier.  And, if the perfect partner happens to come around, then so be it.  I’m also open to celibacy life.  Attached to nothing!  Free to enjoy everything 🙂

Well then, since that somewhat adequately documents my days of being a champion on an online video game called Continuum, being addicted to porn, and overcoming small penis problems, i think that’s probably enough for now.

Ha!  Abundance 🙂


so grateful

p.s.  In future episodes of “What is your Best?” you can look forward to lessons learned from drug dealing and joining a fraternity.  Also, God Willing, lessons from abstaining from alcohol, meat, dairy, and wearing the same clothes every day!  So many wonderful lessons 🙂


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